Simple and Free

A Look At 2011

2011-12-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

Here are some highlights of 2011, idea taken from SortaCrunchy:

Favorite reads: This year I enjoyed reading all of John Greens books (I'm in love!) including "Looking for Alaska", "Paper Towns", "An Abundance of Katherine's" and "Will Grayson, Will Grayson"

Favorite album: This year has been all about Mumford and Sons and Ingrid Michaelson! Love their albums as a whole!

Favorite music discoveries: Beach House and Fleet Foxes :)

Netflix fun: LOST and Dexter. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH! We finished LOST this year and we loved it! Amazing! And Dexter (We're up to season 5 now) AHH I can't get over the writing and characters of that show! (But be fair warned it is a bit (ok A LOT) graphic in all areas).

Most fun with currently running TV: I enjoy Jersey Shore and I do not even care that you are judging me right now. Snookie is just hilarious!!!! I also love "big bang theory" and "how I met your mother"

Biggest TV disappointment: Man of Interest. I really wanted it to be good. I really did. I mean IT'S BENJAMIN LINUS!! :(

Technology love: The iphone 4s my husband got me for Christmas takes the cake!

Best use of our home: Looking at this question makes me realize we haven't used our home very well! (Even tough it is only 400 sq ft so not that many can fit) but I'd say dinner and a bonfire with our dear friends Wes and Marla was a highlight :)

Most enjoyable travel: We went to Hawaii this past year and it was incredible!!! We got to spend a week with my in laws and my adorable nephews! It was great bonding time. I also parasailed for the first time!

Most rewarding project: My quest to buy only fair trade for Christmas. It really opened my eyes to not only how easy it is to start changing my shopping habits, but also how shopping fair trade with the prices being a tiny bit higher, made me really think about the person and if they would appreciate it, and made the gift giving much more precious.

BIGGEST SURPRISE: How much I love my niece Emma. I remember visiting her in the hospital when she was born and it was a "ok she's cute" moment but no real emotional bond...but now that I get to spend every weekday with her, I am smitten! She's so sweet and smart and funny! Which brings me to the next surprise, which is how much I love my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. They have proved to be the most generous and loving people I know, and getting to spend time with them is something I will cherish forever. They are truly family. And no, I'm not just sucking up cause they pay my bills. I really mean it. :)

Favorite snapshots taken by me:

My Husband on our whale watching date. I love him.

We're really cool

My sweet niece Emma. This picture kills me!

The youngest of 4 nephews, Kai. He is so caring and funny!

My cat Moshe scrounging for food!

The Facts About Fair trade

2011-12-05T09:06:00.000-08:00

As we come to the second week of advent and prepare for Christmas I want to talk about the facts of fair trade. This year I have made a commitment to buy only fair trade items for friends and family and sometimes it can be hard to know where to start and how to identify what products are fair trade. If you are new to fair trade there are probably even more questions floating through your head, so here are a few general facts about fair trade. If anyone has other information to add or correct please leave a comment! I want to make sure I am accurate and up to date. So here we go...

So what is fair trade?

I took this straight off of the world fair trade organizations website, because I think they sum it up so nicely.

"Fair Trade is a trading partnership, based on dialogue, transparency and respect, that seeks greater equity in international trade. It contributes to sustainable development by offering better trading conditions to, and securing the rights of, marginalized producers and workers"

A company then, that is committed to fair trade practices, will either buy ingredients from workers in other countries (or the U.S.) and make their own products (ensuring adequate pay and working conditions) , or they will selling handmade products from organizations already established.

Why is it important to buy fair trade?

For me, it all comes down to this: we are seeing worse working conditions, outrageously low pay, unsafe environments, child labor, and slavery. And this is all because foreign companies and large U.S. corrperations need the cheapest labor, so they can sell it to the consumer at the cheapest price. (Walmarts "low price guarantee", anyone?)

Fair trade towns USA says this about fair trades importance:

"When you choose to purchase Fair Trade products, you are endorsing an economic system that provides opportunities for producers to lift themselves out of poverty. Fair Trade provides assurances to consumers that producers are paid fair prices for their products and labor. It gives them more direct market access which removes many of the “middle-men” who traditionally have absorbed the majority of the profits. In addition, Fair Trade provides a set of requirements that assure consumers that strict standards have been met to protect the environment, build economic sustainability, empower women, and allow opportunities for education, poverty alleviation, and health care."

So why is it so important? Because when you realize how drastically your purchases impact the lives of others, you can't help but want that impact to be a positive one. And all you have to do is shop! And we can start by shopping for things we all need, like bath and beauty products, recycled toilet paper, etc. :)

Terms you should know:

Fair trade: A system of exchange that honors producers, communities, consumers, and the environment. It is a model for the global economy rooted in people-to-people connections, justice, and sustainability.

Cruelty-free: This sounds like a fair trade term, but it's not. Cruelty free is a term used when a product has not been tested on an animal.

Co-op: A co-op is when Fair trade organizations work primarily with small businesses and democratically run cooperatives that agree to reinvest a portion of profits in community projects like health care clinics and childcare programs. These cooperatives are trying to cut out any middle men, and buy only and directly through the producers to ensure fair wadges and to see community and social change. Sometimes you will see pictures and stories of the particular producer on a fair trade website.

Sustainable: This ties into the cooperatives and means that the company selling the fair trade items create opportunities for social and sustainable economic development to the producer.

USDA Organic: A product claiming to be organic using the USDA organic label means that the product is 90-95 percent organic. And although many fair trade products are organic, a product carrying this label may not be fair trade. This doesn't mean not to shop organic though! I'm a big fan of organic.

How can you tell if it's really fair trade?

This one can be tricky, as many companies are noting the recent trend in councious shopping and can slap the fair trade name on a product, but one of the best ways to identify a fair trade item is by its label. There are two very important symbols to watch out for, So you know it is certified fair trade. Remember, just because it says it is fair trade, doesn't mean it is. Do some research first.

I am still learning about fair trade everyday and am so honored to be a part of this movement to care so deeply for the hands that make the products I use. For more information on fair trade certification and fair trade in general, visit the fair trade USA website here.

The Fight To Be Fair

2011-12-01T12:23:00.000-08:00

Just about a year ago I wrote a blog post reflecting on how my obsession with my image had caused me to neglect my heart for fair trade. I became more interested in a shampoo that was "curl inhancing" to go along with my new haircut than with how my products were made and who they were made by. I quickly re-evaluated myself and felt like I was back on track....

Well....things have gotten bad again. This time though, it isn't about the looks...it's about the money - coupons to be exact. You see, I've become a bit crazy about saving myself some money. I'm not a crazy coupon lady by any means but I have become more interested in cutting out coupons...and to be honest, buying things I don't really need just because they are on sale.

I knew it was really bad when a few weeks ago I was buying 4 different 2-in-1 shampoos because I had $1 off coupons. Which is just exsessive, but that's not the worst part of it. The really bad part is when my husband walked down the isle to see me carrying all these shampoos and very casually and politely said "what happened to trying to buy fair trade bath products?". I instantly got defensive and chewed him out right there in the grocery store. "I'm trying to save this family some money!!!" (funny...I almost wrote save this money some family!) and "Why don't I see YOU buying anything fair trade? Why is it always on me? " which isn't even true at all...my husband tries to be conscious as well.

This incident really hit me. Money makes me cranky. When I shop fair trade, it may cost me a bit more...but I'm happier. And so are many other people whose lives are changed because I spent a few extra dollars. Now, advent started today, and I think advent and fair trade go quite nicely together. Advent is the period of preparation leading up to Christmas. And what better time than Christmas to talk about money and consumerism. So this advent season, all my posts will be about the coming Christ and the continual fight for fair trade. May we, this advent season, find hope in Christ, and may we find ways to share that hope with others.

Confession

2011-11-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

Megan over at SortaCrunchy encouraged her readers to post a confessional blog because it's good for the soul. I fully agree so here it is!

1. I have this really gross habit that bugs my husband to death. Oh gosh can I really admit this? I leave used tissues ALL over my house. And...maybe I use them more than once. I know this is gross but I'm just doing my part to keep things green! Maybe I should just invest in a reusable hanerchief!

2. I haven't had caffeine in over 9 months. I realized it was keeping me up at night and giving me headaches and since I quit I've never slept better!

3. My mom always told me that as a child I was allergic to lemons. I though that was just some childhood allergy I grew out of, u til I put lemon juice on my face a few months ago and my face broke out in a hideous rash. The rash then got infected and then it turned into sever acne. All because of a stupid lemon. I've been to a dermatologist since and we've almost got it all under control, but if you even mention lemons to me, I might punch you in the face.

4. Going off of the above...a deep confession is that my self esteem through all of this is at the lowest it has ever been. But God is showing me who I really am and I am learning to see myself the way my friends see me. So hard, but so good.

5. I always use to say I liked both dogs and cats but just liked cats better. This is a lie. I hate dogs. They annoy me to no end. That's why I like cats! When they want me, we cuddle, but they don't lick my face! And then they go on with their business. I freakin love cats.

6. Wes and I finished watching the entire series of "Lost" a few months ago and I literally feel like a part of me died when it ended! I think I'm going to watch the whole thing over again, because I miss Charlie. When I find our people watch lost I get really overly excited for them and want to talk about the characters.

7. My favorite author is Madeline L'Engle. She inspires me so much and her quotes about art and theology are breathtaking.

8. I have to play music while I clean my house because I need the pattern of the music to keep me focused. (I'm a bit ADD) but I have been caught dancing with my cat once or twice....I can't help it! I get distracted! They are so fluffy!

9. Sometimes I play the guitar and sing.

10. Instrumental piano music makes my souls feel alive. George Winston anyone?

11. I love to collect old books (usually pre-1940), And jewlery/music boxes.

Well, those are a few things that make me who I am! What are your confessions?

Being A Youth Pastor's Wife (On Burn Out)

2011-05-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Being a youth pastor's wife is the most rewarding job I have. But it is also the most heart-breaking, most frustrating, most draining thing I do. It is not easy to do this "job". And for me, it is a full time unpaid job. I work 3 jobs right now to make up the income from quitting my last job, and at the end of the day I go on to chaperone youth events and lead worship for Jr. high and Sr. high youth group.

My real problem is that I desperately want to be involved with my husbands ministry. If I could quit all my jobs and just work with him, I would do it in a heart beat. I LOVE student ministries. I have worked with youth as a volunteer for 6 years (2 years on my own out of high school and 4 years have been spent volunteering along side my now husband). I'm not like one of those wives who never thought she'd be a pastor's wife. No, I knew I would be. I KNEW that the ministry of the church (particularly youth) was so important to me that God had to bring me a husband who loved youth too. And God did.

But I am suffering from some burnout these days.

And to be honest with you...I'm the only youth pastor's wife I know that hasn't identified her boundaries (If you're out there too, let me know!). One of my best friends and college roommate is also a youth pastor's wife, but she barely goes to any events. My husband and I realized we've never ever SEEN the wife of a youth pastor here in town that we frequently do events with. I feel so alone in my battle.

Last week I attended a youth worker training day (That my wonderful husband helped run) called "Equip" and they had a phenomenal speaker named Katie Quesada there. In her message to us she said something so powerful. So wonderfully refreshing. She said:

"You are unique. The truest you, the you God created, what you are, is exactly what people need. No more, no less. What you have to offer, the way it feels most natural, is what people need."

We are unique. Do not try to be something you aren't just because you think that's what your role is. I need to be a wife, a nanny, a preschool teacher, a sister, a daughter, a Sunday school director. And I need to know where I am in all of those roles. I need to see me. I need to see that my work does not define me. That I am perfect just how I am in the small ways I do all those things. And hopefully in October when I drop the Sunday School Director and Preschool Teacher jobs, I can focus a bit more on who I am.

A lot of the times I do so much because I see so many hurting kids. I think "Oh I should really take her out for coffee...she looks like she needs to talk to someone. That's what I'm suppose to do right? One on one stuff with her? I AM the youth pastors wife after all..." And I might even tell her "Hey, we should get coffee." But I CAN'T. I can't take her out for coffee because I'm stretching myself too thin. I'm trying to make my ideals of my role as a youth pastor's wife fit into something I am not. The real problem isn't that I can't touch the lives of these hurting kids. Oh, I can. It's that I'm not letting myself be exactly who I am. They don't need or want the me I think I should be...they want the me God made me to be.

I tried to think back on the youth pastor's wife when I was in high school. Her name is Jayme and I LOVED HER. I remember special times when she would help me learn chords on the keyboard while I was on the worship team. And I STILL HAVE postcards she wrote me about how special she thought I was. Little moments, even though she wasn't there for every event, meant the world to me. And by distancing herself from the ministry of her husband, she was able to be exactly who she was exactly when I needed it. I remember her being their every Sunday, but that's the most consistent it gets in my memories. She picked specific events to go to, but we were not her ministry.

I cannot be the best version of myself for these kids when I have no boundaries. I am worn thin. I am frustrated with them. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated with God. I do too much. When I say yes to too many things, I can do none of them well. If I want to be effective, I have to choose my boundaries. You have to say no to most things (even good worthwhile things) in order to do those few things as best as you can. You have to say "no" to say "yes".

When do I say no? What do I say yes to? I think we should say yes to the things that bring us joy. Say yes to the things that feel most naturally "you".

I absolutely love the way the message translation talks about "spiritual gifts" or as I like to call them "glimpse of God". You can read a whole except here, but I wanted to point out a few parts with my own twist from my own life. Instead of listing the spiritual gifts as they traditionally appear, I can't help but see it this way:

You have God's smile

You have God's eyes

You have God's heart

You have God's creativity

You have God's words

You have God's touch

We are all unique. We are all exactly who God has made us to be. Sometimes we get a little dusty, but our heart...God's heart...is right there.

I love this part in verse 13 "Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. (***Like "pastor's wife"***) We need something larger, more comprehensive. I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less."

We are not labels. We are precious children of God who are given special parts of God to give to each other. The first thing we need to do is remember who we are. If you need to go away and spend an extended amount of time discovering this DO IT. When you know who you are and who God made you to be, you will naturally show His love.

Homemade Laundry Detergent

2011-05-05T17:10:00.001-07:00

I had the day off today and decided that today was laundry day (Our apartment doesn't have a washer and dryer in it so I'm generally not very motivated to do laundry on a more regular basis). I got all the piles sorted and was ready to grab my laundry detergent when I realized it was gone (later found out that my husband had it in the back of his car while at work). I was pretty annoyed at first but decided to see if there were any home made detergent recipes online. Most of the recipes needed borax (which I did not have on hand) so I kept searching until I found one that only needed hot water, a bar of soap and some baking soda.

Here are the instructions I found on this website

2 gallons Water (hot)
1 bar Soap (grated)
2 cups Baking soda

Melt grated soap in a saucepan with enough hot water to cover. Cook on medium-low heat, stirring frequently until soap is melted.
In a large pail, pour 2 gallons hot water. Add melted soap, stir well.
Then add the baking soda, stir well again.
Use 1/2 cup per full load, 1 cup per very soiled load.

(Because I was trying this out for the first time, I cut the recipe in thirds using 1/3 of the bar soap, 8 cups of water, and 1/2 cup of baking soda, which actually made a full pot of detergent!)

After starting my load of laundry with my new detergent I also found that my husband had the dyer sheets as well (dang it!) so I looked up some homemade dryer sheets as well. Through my investigation I actually learned that most dryer sheets contain toxic chemicals.

"...the laundry room is also highly toxic, containing the same chemical perfumes in both the laundry detergent and especially the dryer sheets. Dryer sheets coat all your clothes with a layer of toxic chemicals. When you wear those clothes, your body moisture causes those chemicals to come into contact with your skin and be absorbed directly into your bloodstream. It's an easy way to poison your system with cancer-causing chemicals" (taken from this article)

I was amazed that I had never heard that there were toxic chemicals in the sheets (I remember now that the organic dryer sheets we do purchase say "non-toxic" right on the label but it didn't click until now!) so I found a recipe for homemade dryer sheets here.

All you need is a washcloth (I saw another site that used cut up t-shirt material) and any essential oil!

Just take a dampened washcloth and put 10 drops of lavender, lemon, Tea Tree or any other essential oil. Put damp in with the wet clothes.

I guess I was forced to start my journey trying to be simple and organic and I'm glad I was! I should have taken pictures step by step but I didn't know it would work so wonderfully with so little preparation and ingredients! My clothes are clean and have a light rose petal smell. (NOTE: I read that adding vinegar during the rinse cycle will help soften the clothes. I didn't have any on hand at the time so my clothes did come out a bit stiff) If I try any other recipes for laundry detergent I will document more carefully and post for you all to enjoy! :)

Have you ever tried any home made concoctions? Tell me how they worked for you!

Been Awhile

2011-04-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been awhile since my last post...I've been quite busy. Not only is this one of the busiest months in ministry, but I am also working 3 jobs which all happen to be falling on the same days. 12 hour work days are not good for me! I will soon have some down time, and I have lots of posts floating through my brain, so look for them soon!

But while we're waiting, what has been the most challenging and rewarding thing about this lenten season as we are fast approaching Easter Sunday?

You Have to Know Their Name

2011-04-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

After writing in my last post about words becoming flesh, and talking about Social Justice over at Sorta Crunchy for 40 Days of Community, I couldn't help but be reminded of how important our actions are when talking about social justice.

Wes and I are taking a group of 6 high school kids on a mission trip to Los Angeles this summer, and we have been meeting weekly with them to help prepare them for the trip. They have readings, reflections and bible memorization's due, all to help point them towards a better understanding of homelessness and our call to continue to work with God to bring His Kingdom to earth. We want to teach them that the Gospel is more than words, it is action (and even more than just action, it is hearing the stories of others). I thought I would research a little bit to see the demographics of the homeless in our town to share with the kids.

I decided to look up "homeless in (our town)" on google. And although I could not find any homeless shelters in my town, I did find a "Help for the Homeless Pets" here. "Wow" was all I could say. We have people sleeping in the riverbed every night and yet we have shelters for pets and not for PEOPLE.

Our town does not have a homeless shelter...and the closest one is at least a 30 minute drive. And yet we have so many homeless people living here, camped out under tarps in the riverbed.

To be honest, I'm not one to talk. I've never even been down in the riverbed. We have one place where the hungry can receive a meal, and it's only once a week and I've never served food there.

I have served the homeless before, though. I have talked with them, eaten with them, ridden the bus with them. I have. But it has been so long. In the 2 years I've lived in this town, I have only had conversations with one homeless man...and that's only because we knew him before he was homeless. I guess...it's just...that I've forgotten them. I've stopped seeing their faces, so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I don't KNOW them anymore...so I don't think about them.

Needless to say, I'm not good at this yet. I'm really very good at articulating what needs to be done. And I know quite a bit about Social Justice..but it's the doing it that is the hardest. I'm not there yet...but I'm trying (And knowing the needs is the first step). I want to really help people, but it's hard to know where to start sometimes.

I love organizations like Compassion International, Toms Shoes and Operation Christmas Child...but where are we challenging people to be face to face with those in need? Am I challenged? These organizations are doing wonderful things...but...It is EASY to sponsor a child for 38 dollars a month. It is EASY to buy a pair of Toms. It is EASY to fill a shoebox once a year. It is not as easy to walk the riverbed where the homeless sleep on the ground. It is not as easy to eat a meal with the homeless at the soup kitchen. It is not as easy to give a sandwich to a child who has sores on her body because her family can't even afford to go to the clinic.

It is easy to give money. It is easy to separate us from the homeless. It's when you know their name that things get sticky. It's when you know that Bonnie has 3 children and lives on the street. It's when you know that Jessie can't get out of prostitution. It's when you know that Chuck can't get a job....it's then when your heart truly breaks...and its then that you see Jesus.

Here are some things to get us headed in the right direction...

If you want a good song that reminds us of where we see Jesus, please listen to this song called "Jesus" by Shaun Groves.
If you want a good book please read "The Social Justice Handbook" by Mae Elise Cannon.
If you live in San Diego County please visit these places bringing heaven to earth: North County Solutions for Change, Fill-A-Belly, and Hidden Treasures.
Please find local organizations and spend some time volunteering there!

May we know the stories of the weak. May we know the names of poor. And may we always see Jesus in their faces.

James 2: 15- 16 "If you know someone who doesn't have any clothes or food, you shouldn't just say, "I hope all goes well for you. I hope you will be warm and have plenty to eat." What good is it to say this, unless you do something to help?"

Word Becoming Flesh

2011-03-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

My birthday was last week. I love birthdays...I mean, I LOVE THEM. Needless to say when I realized that my birthday fell during lent and I had already resolved to delete my facebook, I was devastated. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!

For my birthday I ended up getting 3 cards, 1 email, 2 phone calls (This does not include immediate family which added a few more) and 10 text messages.

This is not to say that I had a bad birthday, it was very nice and those who contacted me made it very special, but I wanted to break that down because my last birthday I got 40+ birthday message on my facebook wall (with minimal phone calls no cards and no texts). This year, without facebook, there were 15 people who wished me a happy birthday and 75% of them still resorted to a text based communication. I find this so fascinating! And I also relate to it so well.

I used facebook as my primary means of communication. And now that I have given it up, I have to actually WORK in my relationships now. I have to make time to cultivate my friendships. Before lent I was completely satisfied with reading others facebook posts and commenting on them, almost as my sole means of communicating with them. See, I am a very busy person. I work 3 jobs and my husband is a youth pastor and I am highly involved with his ministry as well. It was easier and more efficient to send a text and a comment. But at what cost? I have lost the value of sitting together, sharing our hearts and lives with one another.

It really makes me think about how we choose to communicate and how that can impact the message of what we are saying (and how that communication deepens or widens our personal relationships).

The other night I was watching a video series at a Bible study and we heard the story about a man who had a hard time expressing his feelings of love to his son, so he wrote them in a letter. The commentator called this act "word becoming flesh" they did not just stay inside someone's head or heart, they were spoken. And the farther we get from internet/text based "words" the more precious those words are. The closer we get to real face to face communication, the more vulnerable we are, and the more vulnerable we are, the better we can be God's love to those around us, and receive that love back.

Note on my wall at facebook - Text message - Phone call - Letter in the mail - Going out for coffee.......I'd much rather give/receive the last 3 means of communication...but it seems like they have become an obsolete means of communication.

Shane Hipps, author of "Flickering Pixels" and teaching Pastor at Mars Hill Church says this about relationships and facebook:

"The narcissism created by these technologies [facebook] is unique. It encourages not just self-absorption, but, more accurately, self-consumption. We become creators and consumers of our own brand. We become enamored by a particular kind of self, a pseudo-self.....This heavily edited and carefully controlled self easily hides certain parts of ourselves we don’t want others to see. This is hardly new, of course. In any social situation, we seek to control the impression we give. The problem is that in real social settings, there are limits to what we can hide. At a certain point, people intuitively see through us. Eventually they get a sense of who we really are. And in this way, real friendships can function as a healthy mirror. They become an honest mirror that loves but doesn’t flatter us."

This kind of real face to face communication is so vital for us to grow and feel and live. So vitally important for us to become deeper followers of Jesus Christ.

Let us remember: God did not shout from the heavens "I love you my children, you are free from the curse." No, God sent Jesus. A real live man who loved his enemies, ate with the poor, physically died for us, and then miraculously rose from the dead. It's as real flesh and blood as you can get. God did not just speak it. He loved us too much for that. This is what we are celebrating on Easter: God became flesh and blood and died a flesh and blood kind of death and then defeated that death so that we could be face to face with God and His kingdom.

So as we continue through lent, may we act out our relationships in the fleshiest kind of ways.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

Back from Vacation

2011-03-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

Hi friends! Wes and I were on a wonderful vacation this past week but we are back now and there are lots of blog posts swimming in my head! More to come later...

A meal withTheologians (and their wives)

2011-03-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend my husband and I went to a potluck. For the past 6 months Wes has been meeting monthly with a group of youth pastors who all work at churches (from all kinds of denominations) about half an hour from our town. They decided last month that it would be fun to get their families all together to meet each other and share a meal.

To be honest I was kind of dreading it at first. I LOVE being with people but lately I've been so busy with church, work, youth group, marriage etc that all I want to do at the end of the day is be alone. This was a very important time for Wes so I bucked up and went along.

We arrived to meet with about 5 different youth pastors and their families and I couldn't have had a better night. We may all come from different theological backgrounds, different family types, but we were all youth pastors and youth pastors' wives, and there's no one who can understand you more than someone going through the same thing.

Wes and I live in a small town where there aren't many young couples or families and there are even less people who have a similar perspectives and passions. Most of the time we feel very alone. We have a small group at our church that we love, but there is a little something missing.

At first I just stayed next to Wes listening to the guys talk about ministry and theology and life. Then one of the kids came outside and wanted me to play with her (comfort zone!) so we walked upstairs and I found all the kids and their mom's. Now, I'm not a mom (been married just under a year) but with my background working with children and my love for people, it's pretty easy for me to join the group. We started by introducing ourselves but it quickly went to some real issues that resonated with all of us as wives of those in ministry. We talked about, time management, painful ministry hierarchy, marriage, about opening up our home for someone to live in, or humbling yourself to live with someone else...it was just so good to be around a whole group of people that feel the same feelings and think the same things. We clicked.

It's funny...earlier that night one Youth Pastor was talking about how parents in his church were upset that there were "clicks" in the youth group....but you can't force people to be friends. Those "clicks" are a solid group of friends dedicated to each other. You can teach people to love each other and be kind to your enemies...but that doesn't mean they will always connect.

An important part of community is CONNECTION. Common interest. Similar personalities. You can't force people to connect. You can't force community. (But you can have meals together to discover those connections!)

I picked my best friends - the ones I share my heart with. I don't share that with everyone...and that's okay! At the end of the night our group had asked if we wanted to do this more regularly, hosting at differnet homes (and the possibility of starting a small group bible study). YES. YES PLEASE! We need a community of people dedicated to each other. Feeling along side us.

Let's just say...

I can't wait for our next meal together.

Reflections on Community (2)

2011-03-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Focusing on community through the 40 days of community challenge has been a real blessing to me and a compliment to what I gave up for lent: facebook. It's funny really...the first few days without facebook were HORRIBLE. I felt disconnected from everyone, I felt left out of certain information (because no one remembers to tell you in person if they already put it on facebook!)...it was hard. But I decided to continue on.

I started calling people (most of my family and close friends don't live near me anymore so this is the communication I have right now) to see how things were going...and one conversation in particular stands out to me. I called my youngest brother Chris (I'm the oldest of 4 kids) who turned 18 not too long ago. We ended up talking for about an hour and a half. We talked about transitions, jobs, money, housing, music and relationships. I got to really open up about my hopes surrounding future employment and moving soon (oddly enough we are in the same boat with these two topics!)

By the end of our conversation, it felt so good to SHARE LIFE with him. To support each other and know that we would be there in the good and the bad. Before we hung up I said to him "Yeah I just called you to see what's going on now that I can't read it on facebook anymore" and he said "You know...all the things we talked about I haven't really shared with anyone, especially on facebook." I'm not missing anything on facebook, really. Sure I'm missing status' like "Out to dinner" or "Watching Tommy boy!" but I'd have to actually talk to people to share in the stories of their heart anyway. You know...I just might never go back to facebook...it might have sufficed before lent to just read my brothers mundane status' and never call him...but boy...

...There's nothing better than the love of a brother.

Circa 1992 My sister Thea, My brother Jon, and myself holding my brother Chris

Community Feels

2011-03-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I was hit hard with a personal issue. It wasn't one I wanted to share with many...in fact only 3 people knew (besides my husband). When it happened, I just couldn't keep it inside of me. It scared me, it made me nervous...I couldn't do it alone. I told my 3 closest friends and their words flooded me with support. No matter what happened, no matter how it went, they were there for me. They FELT what I felt. They lavished me with good words. When I found that the outcome wasn't what I had expected, I was crushed. When I told them the results, they were sad too.

Community feels. In a true community, when one hurts, we all cry. When one feels joy, we all dance. Thank God for the love of friends.

When have you felt for others? When have others felt for you?

“A person is a person because he recognizes others as persons." - Bishop Desmond Tutu

Words and Birds

2011-03-16T12:10:00.001-07:00

My neighbors in the apartment next to me have this big beautiful parrot. I usually don't hear it very often but today the bird is out of the balcony while they are doing some cleaning inside.

I've always enjoyed birds. I've had love birds, cockatiels, and the last bird I had was a nanday conure named Jazz. He looked just like this:

I loved that bird but had to give him away when I went off to college. Jazz used to sing and whistle all the time, but he never talked. My neighbors parrot on the other hand...can't stop talking. It laughs, and says a new phrase every couple of minutes...I actually thought my neighbor was on the porch it imitates so well!

I could hear the bird say "Quit it!" "What is it now?!" "Get to bed!" several times...mostly "quit it" (Which I've heard the mom actually say to her kids quite frequently). It seemed very telling to me. What if you had something repeating the most common, most used phrases in your house? What would they be? What are the words you choose to say?

I'm sure if I had a talking bird in my house it would probably say at least these two common phrases (I'll let you guess which is the one my husband says and which one I say)

"Clean up the house!"
"Could you please get off the xbox?!"

What words are resonating in our home? What is our focus? How do our words reflect us?

I realized last night that my husband and I both have one of the same mechanisms in conflict: we say mean things. We both do it. And we both can say heart breaking things to one another. Not prime "building others up" kind of material here. At the end of a fight we say we don't mean what we said...but that damage has been done.

Last night I felt guilty about those words I had been saying. If you say things long enough, people believe they are true about themselves. I went up to my husband and grabbed his face (btw I have no concept of personal space so this happens a lot haha!) and said "I know I've said some hurtful things to you. I want you to know that I'm moving forward and I don't want to say those things to you anymore."I can't guarantee that I will suddenly stop this pattern we've gotten ourselves into, but at least I can try. And at least we can focus on other words.

I'd hope that if I had a bird in my home, it's most common phrase would be "I love you."

Community of Support

2011-03-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

Each week of the 40 days of Community challenge has a theme to go along with it. This week the theme is being a community of support. Megan over at Sorta Crunchy has posted 3 great questions that I think are healthy to answer.... (Note to the reader: the topic I discuss in 2 and 3 is all that's been on my mind the last few days, and I have other thoughts in the conversation of support that I'd like to unearth at another time too)

1. When have I needed support the most? How can I draw on that experience to motivate the support I give to others?

For me, the time I needed the most support was when I was overwhelmingly depressed at a place I was working at where I had a very condescending and discouraging supervisor and an intense work load. I saw no way out and cried every morning before work for a solid 6 months. (I only worked there for a year, but it was the hardest year of my life....because did I mention I moved to a new town away from my family and got married during this year? Yeah....) (Oh, and eventually I did quit there and am much happier now!)

Luckily though, my husband and I work at a church (and would be highly involved in one even if we were not on staff) and he leads a young adult bible study (ages 18 - 35). This group of 7-9 people...they were my legs when I could not walk (not literally...), a hug when all I could do was cry...they were my support.

The way our bible study works is that about 75 percent of our time together is support time. We spend the beginning of our meetings talking about how our week has been. And we all just listen to each other. When we get all the way around the circle, we pray and spend the last moments talking about whatever book or bible passage we had decided on for that period. And let me tell you...that time, once a week, was the only good I saw for a long time. Just to SPEAK what was hurting me so much, was a blessing.

When giving support to others...we need to listen. Not only listen TO what they are saying, but WHAT they are saying through their words. Only then can you really be effective at supporting them.

2) What are the needs I see around me?

I want to write about a particular situation that has really been on my heart. I work as a sub in a preschool and I absolutely love the time I get to spend there. Children are my joy and light in this life, and they are so special to me! This week we got some new children who are foster kids and have been moved around quite a bit. I gotta tell you...they break my heart. They have been hurt so badly before, that there are so many insecurities and triggers for them.

There are so obvious behavioral issues with them, and understandably so, but today, when I told one of the kids that I needed to put them in "time out" (pretty common language for that preschool) she flipped out cowering and crying "no no no!" My heart TORE TO PIECES. What has that word meant for this little girl before? I got down on my knees to meet her eyes and said "I am not mad at you, this is not a bad time out. We are just going to sit here so we can talk about how to make good choices." I paused, holding her hands and asked her "Have you had scary time out's before?" She nodded. "I promise you, I will never, ever put you in a bad scary time out."

3) What is the simplest thing I can do?

Support for this child...the simplest thing I could do...is showing her the world as it is suppose to be, how people are suppose to be treated and loving her with all I have in those few hours a day I am spending with her. To let her know that she is special.

This post feels so heavy...but I needed to write it. What wonderful joy though, to remember that God calls us to LOVE deeply and bring God's kingdom to all we come into contact with - to show them the world as it was created to be.

Reflections on Community (1)

2011-03-11T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am joining in on a journey through lent over at Sorta Crunchy. Each day we are reading a devotion from "Common Prayer" (a book available online at commonprayer.net ). I can't remember the last time I was doing consistent daily devotions...so this has been such a good thing for me! Each week during the "4o Days of Community" I'm going to reflect on my readings from "Common Prayer". This first week was...convicting to say the least! Especially my reading on Wednesday. There was a quote from Basil of Caesarea that said this:

Are you not a robber, you who consider your own that which as been given you solely to distribute to others? This bread which you have set aside is the bread of the hungry; this garment you have locked away is the clothing of the naked; those shoes which you let rot are the shoes of him who is barefoot; those riches you have hoarded are the riches of the poor.

Wow. So straight forward. If you have excess, that excess is for the poor...by hoarding it, you have let the poor continue to be naked and hungry.

Now...a little back story on why this has hit me so hard. My husband and I are hoping to move into a place on our family's land in the next 6 months. This is a better choice all around for us...except for one thing: it's smaller than our 2 bedroom apartment...it's 400 sq ft. And to be honest, we're a little freaked out sometimes when we talk about it...and it's not even for a good reason! We're freaked out because "How will we fit all our stuff in it?" I've talked about this before, but I come from a long line of family hoarders! We love to save any thing that has even a little meaning or that could maybe be used later. THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.

I found a mom who lives in a small place too that has simplified her life. I LOVE THE WEBSITE! It has tips on how to do exactly what I desperately want to do....I have a lot of things to go through...but how can I not be compelled. It is only excess...it is only "stuff". What really matters in this life is how we love God and others.

Matthew 25:41-45 "I was hungry, but you did not give me anything to eat, and I was thirsty, but you did not give me anything to drink. I was a stranger, but you did not welcome me, and I was naked, but you did not give me any clothes to wear. I was sick and in jail, but you did not take care of me." Then the people will ask, "Lord, when did we fail to help you when you were hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail?"

The king will say to them, "Whenever you failed to help any of my people, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you failed to do it for me."

Lent - Making Room for God

2011-03-07T14:01:00.001-08:00

I realized today that this will be my first real participation in the season of lent. Growing up in an evangelical church, we were more interested in Good Friday and Easter than Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday. And I'd never practiced the discipline of lent - never given or taken something up for those 40 days before Easter.

Now that Wes and I have been involved with a more traditional church for the past few years, I am learning more about this wonderful season. And with us being more theologically minded, I really wanted to take lent seriously. There's no giving up "candy" or "soda" for me. This needed to mean something. It needed to be something that makes room for God.

I was trying to explain lent to some 1st and 2nd grade kids in our church. Eventually I ended up saying "Lent is giving up (or taking up) something that you like to do, but if done too much, could be bad for you, and by giving it up it will bring you closer to God." And our kids actually came up with some cute ideas like, "I will stop shopping at "Justice"" , "I will stop riding in the car and walk more", "I will give up my video games" and "I will stop fighting with my sister" etc.

So I have been thinking long and hard about what to do for lent. Wes and I are following this guideline to help us:

1. What kind of person do you want to be?
2. What keeps you from being who you want to be?
3. How does giving this up, strengthen your relationship with God and others?

After thinking about it for some time, I finally realized this:

I want to be present in the lives of those around me. Instead, I feel myself very disconnected from those around me, even though I am connected to hundreds of people through social networks like facebook and twitter. In fact, those social network sites are hindering my ability to focus on those around me. I can know everything my cousin is doing everyday because of status updates...but when was the last time I actually talked to my cousin? Ate with my cousin? Laughed with my cousin? Facebook gives me (us?) a false sense of closeness - not to mention I spend an average of 4 hours a day on it. Giving up facebook will give me space to make room for God and others. It will force me to watch a movie with my husband, instead of sit on the computer while he plays video games. It will force me to call up a friend for coffee (because I've suddenly opened up a couple hours of my evening!). It will give me time to read, write and pray.

I recently discovered a blog that I totally dig called Sorta Crunchy written by a mom who's passions seem to be very similar to mine. She is starting a Lenten practice called "40 days of community". This community of bloggers and readers will be participating in a few "challenges" but one of my favorites is this: Once a week, share a meal with someone you've never shared a meal with before.

WOW.

What a vulnerable but life-nourishing challenge! It is hard to eat with those you don't know well. It can be awkward! But what a great compliment to what I am desperately trying to do: spend quality time with those around me. We are also reading a book together called "Common Prayer" by Shane Claiborn (who I love tremendously) and we will be writing reflections on what we are reading. Please check out that post specially here.

I will continue to blog (writing as well as reading) but other than that...nothing else on the internet for me. Wish me luck! This is not an easy obsession for me to relinquish!

Social Justice and The Church

2011-03-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

Wes and I are taking a small group of high school students on a mission trip this summer. We are being very intentional about equipping them to really understand the poverty in our world, by having them meet once a week as a group, read assigned readings and write reflections and participate in team building activities (I'm in charge of that part). It has been a surprising journey...these kids are really exceeding my expectations!

We recently read a chapter called "Social Action" from the book "Adventures in Missing the Point" by Brian Mclaren and Tony Campolo, and since adult chaperons are required to do all the work the kids are, I've decided to blog my answers to the discussion questions at the end of the chapter.

1. How have you been involved in social action?

Wes and I recently took our young adult bible study group to Forest Home for their conference. The guest speaker was Tony's son, Bart (And boy did we enjoy him!). He spoke often of the difference between "social action/justice" and "compassion. He gave a great analogy to help us understand.

You are standing by a river and you start to see babies floating down the river. You rush to them, pulling as many as you can out of the water and tend to them. THIS IS COMPASSION. Social justice then is the act of waking up the river and finding out who is throwing babies in the river and stopping them.

And we need both. We need compassionate people, and we need people committed to social action. The closest I've come to social justice, in my mind, is through supporting a company I've blog about here before: Anti-Body. They realized that the system of trading in the world was messed up. So they fixed it. They stopped the cycle by only supporting and buying from small local co-ops in third world counties. But even further justice might be to go even higher in political situations to fight for the rights on those people as a whole. I'm good at compassion...I like that one...social action is hard. And scary.

2. what do you think about partnership between government and religion?

I think it's tricky! I think money can be used for good...but when a religious organization relies heavily on government funding, the thought of losing it can be more important that the work you set out to do. I found this to be true for heavily funded government organization I worked for a couple years ago. It seemed like keeping up with government standards was more important than children and families. They were so paranoid about losing the money that they sacrificed quality care. I think religious organizations have the potential to fall into that money trap and lose the real meaning of why the were there in the first place. (This of course isn't to say that ALL religious organizations with government funding are bad/money driven...but there is only one King in the Kingdom of Heaven that has manifested itself on this earth, and it is not the government).

3. What place should questions about why the poor are poor have in the conversation within Christian communities?

I think it should take place everywhere until it doesn't need to be said anymore because people are actually talking to the poor.....what I mean is...talking about it is the first step, and I think it should really be talked about seriously in the Church. We are the body of Christ, we are the Kingdom come, and we need to KNOW THE POOR. I always tell the kids that you'll call them hobos until you actually know them...then you'll call them Chuck or Annie, or Bill. You'll know why the poor are poor when you start asking them. And I'm not all that great at this yet! I'm still working on knowing their names...

4. To what forms of social action, if any, might God be calling you?

Ahhhh good question. This is hard, since I feel like more of a compassion kinda girl...(cop out? I dunno, maybe...) I think the things I get most "angry" about are a good place to start. Like child rights/labor issues, and paying fair wages to workers around the world.

Gadanke - Celebrate Your Story

2011-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

I recently stumbled upon the blog of a wonderfully creative mom who has made it her passion to celebrate the stories we have inside of us through thoughtful handmade eco-friendly journals. These aren't just your average journal though...they contain little quotes, questions and prompts to help you tell your story. The journals range form little thankful books, to love letter books, to books about the place you call home. The are so cute and could really be treasured items for family members in decades to come. These are a few that are on my wish list and please visit her website here.

{The Little Things} ~ Listing Thankful Thoughts

{Love Letter} ~ A Minibook for Someone You Love

{She: Me, My Heart, My World} ~ Personal Journal 1.1

Justice Day

2010-11-06T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today Wes and I went to an event in Escondido called "Justice Day". It was a venue to get to know some local agencies (and some abroad) that work for humanitarian organizations. Some helped rescue women from sex slavery in San Diego, some helped communities in third world countries create sustainable living through fair trade. It was such a blessing to become more and more educated with the organizations around us. The only sad part about that day was that there weren't very many people at this event!! Hopefully we can continue to spread the word and educate others about the intense pain in the lives of those around us - our neighbors - and the ways in which we can be involved in healing our world.

Here is a list of some of the vendors that we visited with, linked to their websites:

Fair Trade San Diego
Never Neverland
North County Solutions for Change
Generate Hope
Plant with Purpose
Hidden Treasures
City of Refuge
Grace Children's Home
Breaking Chains
Fill A Belly
Cross Your Heart Clothing
Steps of Justice

I will keep you updated on other events coming in the future, but overall my husband and I felt like kids in a candy store with all these great people and organizations all around us. There is hope for this world!

One Step at a Time

2010-11-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

The other day my husband and I watched a documentary called "What Would Jesus Buy". I highly recommend this movie, especially since it's Nov. 2nd and I'm already bombarded with Christmas "stuff" all over the malls and television. It's a great way to consciously tune yourself towards the real meaning of Christmas and real gifts that matter to people. Take a look at Wes' blog post for a summary of the movie here.

While watching this documentary about our consumerism and over-consumption, I was convicted. Not because this information was new to me and I was discovering it for the first time...but because I have heard this, and know about it and have made strides to simplify, reduce and reuse and be consciously careful about where I shop and how the things I buy were made. But...

Well...I needed new shampoo because I had just gotten my hair cut and I really wanted shampoo for curly hair and...

Yeah. I am embarrassed to say, I gave in and bought some dumb, cheep "curl enhancing" shampoo from Target that undoubtedly results in poor wages and poor working conditions for someone else...but...my hair is really curly now...

Almost 2 years ago I watched a documentary called "The Fair Trade". This documentary recounts (Taken from the anti-body.com website) "...the story of successful fair trade entrepreneur Tamara Johnston-McMahon. Tamara, devastated by the tragic death of her fiance, makes a bargain with God to postpone suicide in exchange for a meaningful life. She quit her job at Dreamworks, her twin sister Shelby quit her job teaching art history at California State University at Los Angeles, and brother-in-law Steven quit his job at JPL in order to spend their days making soap for their start-up fair-trade body-care company Anti-Body."

Dolores happened to have this documentary at her store and I actually had Steven as a math teacher at APU (I had no idea he was connected to anti-body until I saw him the documentary). I had been aware of the fair trade discussion but didn't know exactly how it worked or how I could really do anything. You can just ask Dolores, but as soon as the documentary was over I rushed to their website and signed up for their email subscription. I didn't buy anything yet, but I knew this was a worthwhile organization and I needed to be connected to it.

It didn't take long though before I was obsessed with reading about fair trade. Anti-body particularly supports specific co-ops in other countries to support local communities and pay fair wages. They get the coconut oil, Shea butter and other ingredients from the co-ops so they can make the bath and body products. And let me tell you, anti-body doesn't do it for the money. It's a conscious decision to positively and fairly affect lives. Yes, it costs me more to buy fair trade...but that is because those who made it are treated with respect and dignity. Their communities are being strengthened and lives and being changed. That's worth a few extra dollars for me.

So I started small. I had challenged myself to take one room at a time, and buy only fair trade. The bathroom seemed easy enough. I wanted everything in my bathroom to be fair trade organic certified. My shampoos, soaps, lotions, lip balms - everything to be fair trade. I was actually doing okay for awhile. What gets me stuck though is when my identity begins to lie in my outward appearance. In reality, what do we need? Clean hair. Clean body. Maybe anti-body's shampoo isn't "curl enhancing" but it cleans my hair...and actually it's not too bad at moisturizing and keeping frizz down - but I got caught up in the image. I NEED my curls to be defined!! Umm...no I don't. I want clean hair. That's it. And I can get clean hair knowing that those who made it are better off because of it.

So I got distracted, but I'm back. I decided to use this blog as a way to promote fair trade products and organizations I run into (I'm partial to anti-body but you will see others as well :) ) I will do reviews of the products I get and let you into my life as I try a little at a time to support fair trade companies and local farmers. So, I start again with my bathroom, one thing at a time. Would you join me?

Together we can make a difference to reach out to the least of these, and make sure that when we touch their hands, that they are not tarnished by unfair working conditions - a person with no face - but that they are hands as God created them to be, with God's glorified face in their smiles.

anti-body.com
wwjbmovie.com

Working Towards Organization

2010-10-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's no surprise if you know me, to hear that I have a bit of an organizational problem when it comes to my personal space. I want my home to be comfortable and I want to relax when I get there - not clean things! I assume there are others out there that feel this way. And it's not that I can't stay clean...there ARE areas of my home that stay consistently clean for me. Take the bathroom for instance. It absolutely grosses me out to have a dirty bathroom, so I am very aware of putting things back into place there.

I guess what it really is, is that I NEED things in place for me to put them back. They have to have a "place". In the bathroom I have a basket for all my lotions and hair spays. And they stay there! In the living room I have a shoe basket...so all the shoes go there. If there is a set place, I can do it!

So I'm doing laundry today. And although I actually enjoy folding laundry (very therapeutic) I just kept letting it pile and pile until today I was forced to because 1. My husband and I have completely run out of every shirt pants and underwear we own and 2. My cat pooped on the clothes. (really? REALLY MOSHE?!). So I've spent my WHOLE DAY doing laundry.

I sit here and think to myself. HOW can I set something up to where this doesn't happen again? And then I realized that Moshe may have pooped divine intervention poop. I am now forced to throw one of the two hampers I have away because of his smelly gift, AND THAT MIGHT HELP ME! I think I let it go for so long because I can. Theres another hamper for it. But if I only have one hamper, its more noticeable quicker that I need to do laundry. And not only that but picking a designated day might work to my advantage too. SO.

1. Keep only one hamper in the bedroom.
2. Do laundry every Monday.

I realize that this isn't really the vibe of my normal blogs, but that's ok! I write what I'm wrestling with. And sometime that might be theological, sometimes a story about my nanny job, or sometimes about being a wife. Who knows. Plus it's worth it to get it out of my mind to save my marriage! ;)

Sunshine

2010-10-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

We are busy. The "we" of my husband and I. The "we" of my church. The "we" of America. We are busy. About a month ago, our young adult bible study went on a retreat to Forest Home's Briefing conference. On the last night of the conference the whole camp did an hour of silence. Not just quiet time with music or reading your Bible.

An hour.
Of.
Silence.

I took this time very seriously, because I realized that silence is not just shutting your mouth, it is shutting off your mind. I think many people, (very much including myself) have this tendency to pray before bed and every 4 seconds into praying you are thinking about what to do tomorrow...then you remember that you were praying and on the cycle goes again. We just can't seem to quiet our minds long enough.

While I was engaged in the hour of silence, it literally took me 45 minutes to stop "talking" in my mind. It reminded me of a practice I took up in college for a class. We had to partake in a spiritual discipline, and I choose to go into our schools prayer chapel for an hour, 5 days a week. I could have gotten away with saying that I would pray for 15 minutes in the morning, but for some reason I chose a whole hour to spend time with God out of my day. Which feels like a lot! At first it was...but it became on of my most cherished memories of my college experience. I would read my Bible, pray, draw, spend time is silence, even dance sometimes. Soon, that hour went by so quickly that I wanted more. I felt connected to the Creator. I felt good about who I was and my identity in Christ. I loved God and I knew God loved me back. I desperately miss those times. I was rejuvenated and re-centered. And lately I've been so busy that I may have forgotten who I am and who my God is...

But anyway, back to the hour of silence, 45 whole minutes is what it took for me to unwind, and finally LISTEN. I kept saying "stop. listen." if I felt myself starting to even "talk" to God. This was a time to listen in silence. Not to talk to God, but to let God talk to me.

Finally after 45 minutes, and then after a few more of intense silence, God said this:

"Hello, my sunshine."

Oh, I smiled. I listened as flashes of myself as a child ran through my head. Those innocent qualities of a child. Those qualities that we know we have deep inside us, but that we've pushed away for so long. For me, I was a bright, smiling, crazy, laughing, singing, mischievous, little girl who knew exactly what she wanted, and those things are still a part of my soul. That is who I am when no one is looking. That is who I am with my family, my husband and my God. But even with those closest to me, I can forget who I am. There are so many identities to chose from...so many expectations in our lives that push us to take on those different identities and internalize a negative self image because our view of ourselves is based on our accomplishments or how others see us.

That is why true silence in the presence of the One who loves you most, good and bad, thick and thin (and many other cliches) is so crucial to feeling and knowing that YOU MATTER in this world. And it is so crucial to being able to DO THE THINGS THAT MATTER. If you are doing so many things and never taking time for yourself you will not do any of those things well. Do only what you can while still taking time to rest, because you can make a difference doing the few things you care about passionately.

So I challenge myself to take specific time out of my week to be silent. And I challenge myself to find my identity in Christ. Because, I am God's Sunshine.

2008-12-12T00:48:00.001-08:00

The Little Boy
by Helen Buckley

Once a little boy went to school.
He was quite a little boy
And it was quite a big school.
But when the little boy
Found that he could go to his room
By walking right in from the door outside
He was happy;
And the school did not seem
Quite so big anymore.

One morning
When the little boy had been in school awhile,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.
He liked to make all kinds;
Lions and tigers,
Chickens and cows,
Trains and boats;
And he took out his box of crayons
And began to draw.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make flowers."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make beautiful ones
With his pink and orange and blue crayons.
But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And it was red, with a green stem.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at his teacher's flower
Then he looked at his own flower.
He liked his flower better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just turned his paper over,
And made a flower like the teacher's.
It was red, with a green stem.

On another day
When the little boy had opened
The door from the outside all by himself,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make something with clay."
"Good!" thought the little boy;
He liked clay.
He could make all kinds of things with clay:
Snakes and snowmen,
Elephants and mice,
Cars and trucks
And he began to pull and pinch
His ball of clay.

But the teacher said, "Wait!"
"It is not time to begin!"
And she waited until everyone looked ready.
"Now," said the teacher,
"We are going to make a dish."
"Good!" thought the little boy,
He liked to make dishes.
And he began to make some
That were all shapes and sizes.

But the teacher said "Wait!"
"And I will show you how."
And she showed everyone how to make
One deep dish.
"There," said the teacher,
"Now you may begin."

The little boy looked at the teacher's dish;
Then he looked at his own.
He liked his better than the teacher's
But he did not say this.
He just rolled his clay into a big ball again
And made a dish like the teacher's.
It was a deep dish.

And pretty soon
The little boy learned to wait,
And to watch
And to make things just like the teacher.
And pretty soon
He didn't make things of his own anymore.

Then it happened
That the little boy and his family
Moved to another house,
In another city,
And the little boy
Had to go to another school.
This school was even bigger
Than the other one.
And there was no door from the outside
Into his room.
He had to go up some big steps
And walk down a long hall
To get to his room.
And the very first day
He was there,
The teacher said:
"Today we are going to make a picture."
"Good!" thought the little boy.
And he waited for the teacher
To tell what to do.
But the teacher didn't say anything.
She just walked around the room.

When she came to the little boy
She asked, "Don't you want to make a picture?"
"Yes," said the lttle boy.
"What are we going to make?"
"I don't know until you make it," said the teacher.
"How shall I make it?" asked the little boy.
"Why, anyway you like," said the teacher.
"And any color?" asked the little boy.
"Any color," said the teacher.
"If everyone made the same picture,
And used the same colors,
How would I know who made what,
And which was which?"
"I don't know," said the little boy.
And he began to make a red flower with a green stem.

Atheism

2008-12-09T10:55:00.000-08:00

I recently watched this video of an atheist talking about why she couldn't believe in God anymore. I was very interested, because often times people become agnostic or atheist after experiencing religion and so I'm intrigued by why or what events led them to think the way they do.

In this video, it seems to me as though this very smart and caring girl had an event happen where she had to rethink everything she believed. He brother was gay. This is such an emotional issue for anyone who has to deal with it. The homosexual themselves, their family, their friends. For all, this is an emotional topic. Some react in healthy ways, and some do not. For this woman, she thought that she had to choose: God or my brother. She chose the one who was more tangible. And I don't blame her. She chose her family. Her brother. She had a God, who in her mind doesn't accept or love her brother, and she does love him, and so she had to try to mold God into her new perspective on life, and the way her church preached God, He didn't fit that mold anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if we're all just trying to make God fit our molds. In all cases, religious or not. My thoughts on this get kind of shadowed, inconsistent and confusing the deeper I try to think about it, but I think it's worth looking at. I'm not a theologian (Though I am dating one). But I am someone who still believes in God even though my thoughts on some subjects may look different from the mainstream. I'm just wondering how much of us we put into religion, and how much is God. Can we even know? Where do we start to try to get to the heart of Jesus?

Dec. 2nd Tuesday: Week 1 of Advent

2008-12-03T22:16:00.000-08:00

Malachi 3:1-3 "See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come," says the LORD Almighty. But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.

God will come and refine. As I ponder on these verses my initial response was negative. My first thought was "judgment" and that left a bad taste in my mouth. But why? I have forgotten that refining, judging, is not condemning. It is taking something beautiful underneath the roughness and making it smooth. I should be humbled by God's judgment.I should welcome it. I should pray for it.

I think I have let myself become an unexamined person lately. One who isn't letting the refiner, the potter, mold me into who I am continually meant to me. I've become okay with allowing myself to be unchanged. And there is no freedom in that. Freedom is in the nothing where God changes. Where you are so close and intimate with God that He can change you. I pray that tomorrow, I am given the chance to let go, and let God mold me into the Amanda I am in His eyes.

May we praise God for His gift in Jesus Christ, and may we open our hearts and minds to refining.

Dec 1st. Monday: Week 1 of Advent.

2008-12-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

"Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart." - Matthew 11:29

I don't think I have ever read this verse before, but it really makes Jesus personal. It makes his essence and mission clear: to be gentle and humble in all interactions, both when people are watching, and when they are not. Christ came to bring the world together, and peace comes from being humble and gentle with our neighbors. We sing a song at the end of service at church that reflects this.

"Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on,
The peace that was meant to be.
To take each moment,
And live each moment,
In peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me."

The peace that Jesus embodies through humility and gentleness starts with me. And you. One person at a time, being peace to those around them. May we always remember the humility of Christ, and may we share in the work of that humility.

Thanksgiving Hope

2008-12-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

Thankful. Thanksgiving.
Full of thanks. Giving thanks.
Grateful. Humbled.
I am thankful that You never give up
On this place. On these people. On me.
I am thankful for Your vision of restoration.
In the big pieces. In the small pieces.
Big Peace. Small Peace. All Peace.
All pieces. All parts.
One part. One People.
One God. In love. With a People.
In love with a potential for Peace.
A potential for people to love
Beyond the surface.
Beyond the arguments.
Beyond religion and politics.
To a love between human and human.
Reflecting a love between God and humans.
I am thankful that You never give up.

Questions about Prop 8

2008-11-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

I have felt very strongly about prop 8, but I realize that I have a lot of questions.

Why do people think that this is not an issue of rights, but morals? Is it because the civil unions are enough? To be honest I don't know the difference between the civil unions and marriage. I don't know the benefits that each acquire. You kinda forget that you get certain things for being married and having children. You just think of the fairy tale wedding part of it all. So I need some help understanding the benefits so I know how to talk about it. Because I hardly think that it's just that "those gays just want us to push it down our throats and make us accept them!" (Which I've heard as a reason.)

It makes me sad when people say that homosexuals should be happy because they have the civil unions and they don't need to call it marriage, because to me (although some would disagree) it's like telling the black child that he can go to school with the other white kids, but he can't use any of the same bathrooms or drinking fountains.

I have also heard that some African American's are very upset about people comparing this issue to the civil rights movement. Why do you think this is? Is it possibly because of a moral/religious matter? Could it be that they don't feel like the treatment of their group was the same as the homosexual group is today?

Maybe some of my friends can help me understand it a bit more. Or at least understand why people think the way they do, even if I don't agree with it.

ANYWAY

2008-11-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY
People really need help but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU’VE GOT ANYWAY.

author unkown

This was taken from a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan, Mother Teresa's children’s home in Calcutta.

"Let Freedom Ring" - Red Cloud

2008-10-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

it would be nice if it did ring,
but it doesn't
it explodes and makes a mess

(check out some other poems/poets below)

http://poetsagainstthewar.org/default.asp

http://protestpoemsdotorg.blogspot.com

"Let America be America Again" - Langston Hughes

2008-10-08T23:02:00.001-07:00

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That's made America the land it has become.
O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,
And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa's strand I came
To build a "homeland of the free."

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we've dreamed
And all the songs we've sung
And all the hopes we've held
And all the flags we've hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath--
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!

A (good) anger.

2008-10-02T14:35:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure exactly how to put my thoughts out there sometimes, but I cannot keep them inside anymore, even if they come out unorganized.

I almost cried today because some people that are close to me have shown themselves (conscious or not) to be sexist, racist and demeaning towards homosexuals at some level, even small. They are oppressive, and I don't even think they know it.

I sat with them, eating lunch, and politics came up. I never talk to them about politics. All they know is that I'm voting for Obama and they are voting for McCain. One person says to us, "I just get a bad feeling, that Obama's name is one letter away from a known terrorist, Osama's name." All I could think was, 'Are you serious?!" A last name dictates a whole individual? A last name makes someone a terrorist? Makes you WORRIED because it SOUNDS like someone elses' name? All I could say was, "That's just silly. It's like when they said Reagan was the anti-christ because his first middle and last name all had 6 letters in it." And another person just said, "Well....he was the anti-christ."

Then the conversation went to Palin. The people I was with obviously love her, but one person said, "I hope McCain doesn't die, because I don't think a woman should be president." WHAT?! It wasn't even a matter of whether she was qualified, it was the fact that she was a WOMAN. She continued, "I just don't think women are stable enough...unless she was actually a man. Maybe she's a transvestite!" And then began the talk about homosexuality...

"I can't wait to see if the next one to run is going to be gay," another person said. "Yeah, can you image it? "Here's the president and his first man!" A younger friend added as they all laughed. "Yeah, and next an animal could run for president!" Really? The next step from someone being gay is someone being an animal. And this isn't the first time one of these close people has demeaned homosexuality to animal level. Just the other night we watched an add for a Prop about gay marriage, and someone said, "Yeah, and next they'll let people marry their pets." These are two PEOPLE who think and feel as PEOPLE. They are NOT animals. And it is oppressive and rude to put they at the same level as animals. It makes me very upset that Christians could even think this. But they do! AND SO MANY OF THEM DO. It breaks my heart. And some day when my son or daughter asks me if I was apart of oppressing homosexuals and imposing my religious belief system on them to say that they can't get married because my particular God says they can't, I will say "No, baby. No I didn't."

Missing the Magic

2008-07-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

I sat with my family as we watched Criss Angel tonight. It wasn't very enjoyable, not only because Criss Angel is just weird, but because everyone in my family room would pause the show and nitpick the entire illusion, trying to figure it out. "There's no way he could be walking on water, because why are those girls not swimming in front of him. There's glass under him, there has to be," my mom kept repeating. And then it wasn't magic anymore. There is something very beautiful about just enjoying a magic trick. Of course Criss Angel didn't really walk on water, but that isn't the point. The point is to enjoy a great artist doing something he's very good at. Enjoying the magic of "seeing" a man walk on water.

And then I was reminded of how as Christians, we can do something similar. We can take something as beautiful as the story of God and His people and instead of just enjoying the simplicity and complexity of this story, we try to analyze every sentence and every word, and we end up missing the magic.

Straight to hell...

2008-05-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

I walked into the doctors office with my mom for her appointment and sat down while she checked in. There was a big television with CNN showing clips of Clinton and Obama, showing their stand on gay marriage.

"Both Obama and Clinton support civil union" the newscaster said. Within seconds I was interrupted by another woman in the waiting room who loudly said to her elderly mother, "Oh my gosh. Our nations going to hell!!" I was confused and saddened. Who knows, maybe our nation is going to hell...but I'm pretty sure it won't be because of our stand on gay marriage.

The sinner at the well?

2008-05-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

"And Jesus was trying to tell the Samaritan woman that she needed to get rid of her sin before she could drink the water that would never make her thirsty again. That's the point of what he was doing. Jesus points out our sin, and we have to deal with it first!"

These were only some of the words I heard while listening to the preacher on the radio last night. I was not angry at the words, but I was deeply saddened. They are missing the point. They are missing the beautiful encounter that this woman and Jesus shared. A moment that shouldn't have even happened, by their cultures standards. This encounter was much, much deeper than getting rid of your sins before you can come to God. In fact, I don't see that at all. I see the oposite. I don't have many other thoughts on this, as I am not educated in the story of the woman at the well, but I do know that it just felt wrong.

A Thought.

2008-04-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

Do we like certain theologies and world views becuase they make us feel secure and happy?

Jesus for President

2008-03-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking moments ago that I wanted to write a post about a new Shane Claiborne book called "Jesus for President", but before I could even start thinking my amazing boyfriend Wesley came over and gave me my birthday presents! And one of them just happened to be "Jesus for President"! So I'm sure I'll be writing as I read! Thank you Wes for the joy you bring to me.

Pinkberry!

2008-03-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

I got to spend the day with my best friend Amy today and we went to pinkberry for the first time ever! We loved it! Tonight my family is coming over for BBQ and tomorw Amy and her parents are coming over and we're going to have a photoshoot with Amy and I. We haven't done that in so long! (I swear we aren't conceided, our moms are just both photographers!)

I have some deeper blog posts floating in my mind...hopefully I can motivate myself to write them down.

Things to do over Spring Break

2008-03-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

Make my brothers give me back rubs
Go to the thrift store
Babysit as many children as I can
Go to Pinkberry with my BFF
Give Staci her late x-mas present
Have a photoshoot with mom
Write more blogs

::edit::

Oh how could I forget!:

Vaccum the backyard
Love Wes

Kitchen Talks

2008-03-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

"The talk in the kitchen was a symbol of my growth. I had reached the high ranks of women's kitchen talks. Now, I don't usually approve of strict gender roles. I like when boys dance ballet and girls learn how fix cars, if that's what their passion is. But there is something intriquing to me about those womanly kitchen talks. There is a community, and a deep sense of belonging. You talk about real daily life issues, and you laugh, and you cry, and you do it together.

I'm young. I know it. But I'm older than I was last year. And I'm stronger than I was last year. And I pray that I am changed tomorrow."

Micah 6:8

2008-03-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

I sat as I waited for the car ahead of me to drive out of the driveway so I could get out on the road. A woman was trying to talk to the driver through the window but quickly walked away. When it was my turn to drive through I noticed the woman. She had sat back down next to a man under the bus stop bench. They seemed to be traveling together and looked like they needed some money, or food, or anything, really.

As I drove by my heart was saddened. I wanted to help them. But I thought about the streets of LA county and the dangers of being alone.

"But God,' I said. "How do you know when it's safe to go out?"......

And he replied, "I never asked you to be safe."

Survivors Guilt

2008-03-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend Wes and I went down to Mexico with our church and our friends Ty and Danny. Our time there was amazing, and I'll probably write more about that specifically later, but for now I want to write about another event that happened on the way home.

On our way up the 15 freeway the truck we were in caught on fire. For a more detailed account of the event check out what Wes wrote here. But to sum it up, we were informed by another driver that our car was on fire, we hopped out, and then in a "blessing" we were not harmed, other drivers stopped to help up and with the "hand of God" a passing fire truck, not on call, finished up the job.

Here's what I'm really struggling with though: After the incident passed and we were on our way back up to the church, we saw two accidents on the freeway, far more harmful than ours. So why were we "blessed" and not the man and woman lying on the freeway pavement. Why did we live and miraculously save everything out of the truck before the flames engulfed the front of the car?

I do not understand the order of this world. In Yarchin's class here at APU (Hebrew Poetical and Wisdom Literature) we talked about consequences and actions in the Bible. In Deuteronomy there are specific rules and specific consequences or blessings that follow and it is NOT addressed as a "This might happen" but a "This WILL happen". What are we suppose to do with this when experience has told us that bad things happen to good people and sometimes blessing and wealth comes from taking advantage of immigrant workers?

We discussed this in class for quite some time and come to the conclusion that the Bible is telling us to critique it. The Bible wants us to say "hmm that's not what I see" and use the minds that God has given us to look at what is in front of us.

So maybe there is no black or white. But that doesn't help me. That just frustrates me. Not always. But in times like these. When I want to know why I didn't die. Why would God chose to save me? Did he close to save me? Did he have any part in it at all? I don't know. Maybe I'm just suppose to accept that this is just the way things are. We can't know why things happen because we can't see the bigger picture. But maybe God can't see the bigger picture either and he holds me and cries with me too and wonders why the man on the freeway had to die.

My Proverb

2008-03-05T23:45:00.000-08:00

This is the proverb that I wrote for my class. Let me know how you interpret it or how it makes you feel.

As a fool aggravates an angry bull,
So is the one who provokes a pointless argument.

Another dot on the "journey" arrow

2008-03-04T14:54:00.001-08:00

I've decided that I have things to say too. They may not always be right, and they may have already been discussed in this world, and I've just never read it. But I still have thoughts and so I'm going to say them and I'm going to learn.

In one of my classes we had to write our own proverb. We presented them to the class and each of us were so inspired by each others words that we wanted to compile them into a book so we could keep the wisdom that was presented.

One of my classmates wrote a proverb to the effect of this: You run the risk of looking like a fool by answering or asking questions. But the real fool is the one who, when questioned, their answer is useless.

When I get the book I'll find his proverb and write it here, because my summary doesn't do it justice.

But it got me thinking. I very rarely feel intelligent....and it isn't because I'm not. I know that I am very smart and can think through many things. But I am intimidated because those around me have such vast knowledge...or maybe it is just that they decided to start asking questions long before I got the courage to.

Revelation

2008-02-21T08:58:00.001-08:00

Wes and I pulled up to the gas station to fill up my car. He got out while I stayed buckled in. As I sat in my seat, I noticed a man digging through the trashcan to the right of me. He pulled out old bottles and cans, anything that could be recycled, and put them all into his own trashbag. Without realizing it, I reached for the lock. I hate that I do that. He moved over to the trashcan to my right and began the process again, and once finished, walked away. Wes finished filling up the tank and got back into the car.

"The homeless are better stewards of the environment." I said.

"Why's that?"

"They recycle."

Transparency

2007-10-17T00:46:00.000-07:00

This week I saw an incredible amount of transparency in a very unexpected situation. My roommate and I were watching “Ellen” and the minute she stepped out and the camera’s started rolling, she began to cry. We weren’t expecting that. And as tears began to fall she said,

“"People say to me a lot, 'How do you do the show if you're in a bad mood? How do you do your show if you're sad, or, don't you have bad days?' I'm a human being and I have bad days and I have sad days. But when I walk out here, and you all cheer, and when you're here to dance, you're here to laugh, and I know I make people happy, it changes my mood. I come out here and I can do anything because of the energy I get. But today is a hard day for me. Today is bad. I am not capable of coming out and pretending to be funny when things are going so terribly wrong right now. I'm so sorry -- I'm just not able to pretend. So I'm going to tell you the story. I'm going to get over it and we're going to have a good show.”

This kind of emotion and transparency is rare. Regardless of how you feel about Ellen DeGeneres, and regardless of the fact that her story ended up being about a dog, you cannot help but know that her emotion was real, and she wasn’t afraid to be transparent for a moment.

When we are transparent with someone, we are forced into relationship with them. When you see pain in another human beings eyes, you cannot help but feel connected to them. I don’t know Ellen, and I never will, but in that moment we were connected, because I know the emotion that came out. I see it in myself; I see it in hearts of the people I love. And I see it in the eyes of the people I’ve never met. This is a common and deep bond between human beings.

The most chilling and profound sentence to me was when she said, “I am not capable of coming out and pretending to be funny when things are going so terribly wrong right now.” It was to this point where she wasn’t even CAPABLE of putting a mask on anymore. It wasn’t even an option.

I think you know that feeling. When someone comes along just at the right moment and asks the right question: “How are you?” and you just can’t do it. You can’t say “Fine” anymore. You begin to cry, or maybe shift about if you’re the tough type, and then you let it down. You let the walls down. “You know…things aren’t going so good right now.” And then you talk.

I wish I saw this more often. This realization that life is not lived alone and that we are in this amazing continuous relationship with one another. Life is meant to be lived transparently. You might think Ellen is annoying, you might think she’s odd, and you might despise her because of her lifestyle, but I pray that you got past how you feel about someone to see that you are just the same as them. Be transparent…please.

Clanging Symbols

2007-08-26T20:15:00.001-07:00

I played a "game" recently in one of my classes last semester that was based on communicating to different cultures. There were two teams. Both were tribes. The two were split up and given instructions and they knew nothing about the neighboring tribe. All my team knew was that we had a "Bible" and our goal was to be excited and outgoing and tell the neighboring tribe about our God because we believed that God would not come back to get us until the whole earth had heard about Him. When we entered the room we were shocked by the other team. They had a new "language" and they backed away from our personality. We had two very different cultures interacting/ being represented. One was very outgoing and individualistic, the other was cautious and every thing relied on community.

The game was a great way for us to learn about communication through cultures. It took awhile for my team to figure out the other tribes way of life and how to be welcomed, but eventually, with the right attitude and the right questions, our tribes talked together. It wasn't easy and there was alot of frustration for our team. But with time and patience, we got somewhere.

After the game ended we debriefed about it. And something hit me hard. I thought about the team I was on. I thought about how our entire mission in the game as a tribe, was to tell the people about "God". It didn't matter if they believed. Our "bible" told us that as long as they heard about God, God would come back for US.

Then I wondered. Is that how some of the church acts? Instead of sharing and showing the love and peace of God to others because we know the hope and beauty that a relationship with the Creator is....instead.....we do it as a job. It's just something we have to do if we want to look good.

I remember when I was about 13 years old, I felt like I was doing something wrong because I never "lead anyone to Christ". I thought there was something wrong with me because no one had repeated the sinner's prayer with me. Doesn't that just feel weird?

Some people have stopped caring about one another and knowing and sharing life with them. It becomes a goal to save people.

The point of the game in class was to show that you cannot just go into another persons life and think you know everything. It will take time to learn about the people and find out their history...why they are the way they are. It takes time to gain trust. We have to love one another and care about the things that God deeply cares about. We have to clothes the clotheless, feed the hungry and stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. I'm being bold here, but it's just NOT enough to lead someone to Christ and walk out of their life without a care for who they are or where they are going.

To quote one of the best 80's television shows ever created (Scarecrow and Mrs. King), "You can't just walk into my life, hand me a package, tell me you love me, and walk out of my life again."

Maybe you'd have to watch it, but I think it's great. You just CAN'T have relationships like that. When Our Lord returns and we are spending eternity in harmony with Him and with each other, it won't matter so much if you helped 50 people say the sinners prayer. What will matter is the lives that you touched, the Jesus' in disguise that you loved on. If you can love on 50 people and change their lives, then great. But if it's void of love, it means nothing.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." - 1 Corinthians 13:1

A good start is to stop talking and just listen.

Sin

2007-08-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

"We all lose a part of our humanity, of our divinity when we sin -- when we betray our sacred relationship with one another or with God. When you sin, you feel awful. Because in many ways you end up knowing that it is not in your best interest, ultimately, and that often someone is going to be hurt by what you do. We often think of sin as a violation of religious or moral law or as an offense against God. But we sin whenever we are less than we could be, when we miss the mark of our potential to be fully lovingand caring human beings. These smaller sins also need forgivness, as of course do the larger violations of another's humanity and holiness."

-- Desmond Tutu, God Has a Dream

You don't know how many times I read and reread that.

Made to love

2007-08-05T10:12:00.001-07:00

I had the privlidge of hanging out with a very smart 6 year old boy from the inner city of LA last week. His name was Andrew and he was apart of the VBS we were putting on for the kids in the neighborhood. On the last day of VBS we got into groups of two or so and asked questions about each other so the kids could knowmore about us before we left. Andrew and I didn't end up talking about ourselves as much as we talked about God.

I asked Andrew, "Is there anything you want to ask me?" I was expecting something like "What is your favorite color?" but I got this:

"Why are we learning about God?"

I thought for a moment, trying to put theological terms into kid language.

"Well, we learn about God because he made us and wants us to learn about Him and how to treat other people."

He nodded. Then he looked around. The theme of the VBS was "The Lord's Army", and I didn't really like the theme all that much, but I went along with it because this was about the kids, not me. Then Andrew said,

"Why are we doing the army?"

Good question. "Well, Mr. Maaz thinks that there are some things about the army that are the same about following God."

He looked confused. "Because they die?"

"Well, no....he see's things in the army like respect and compassion and untiy (our three focuses)."

Andrew looked at me, still confused, but nodded. I decided to ask him a question this time.

"What do you think about God?"

"I think he made us so that he could love us."

Baseball, friends and love.

2007-07-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Last week was the fourth of July. My family and boyfriend and I went to a baseball game. We ended up sitting in the grass, which wasn't half bad because it gave me a chance to people-watch (one of my favorite things to do). As Wes and I were sitting down, waiting for the game to start, I spotted a little boy with bright blonde hair, probably 4 or 5 years old. He was talking to a kid slightly older than him and I could tell they had just met. After a few moments, he called out to his parents. "Mom! This is my best friend!" he said with a smile. Children are like that. They make friends instantly, and put their all into that friendship, even if it will only last the few hours you are at the park, or the 5 mins you are waiting in line for the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland.

As we grow and become adults, we begin to see pain in this world. Evil in this world. We begin to see that we can't trust everyone, and that loving people hurts sometimes. But isn't it worth it? Is not one act of good, better than evil?

It's been said that for every negative remark spoken to someone, 10 positive ones are needed to make that person feel better. Than should we not do as much good as we can? Yeah, loving people hurts sometimes. But its worth it. So you might not ever see that homeless woman ever again. But its worth it.

We are called to love. We are called to act as that boy at the baseball game who loved his new friend, even for a moment.

If only one...

2007-05-11T18:56:00.001-07:00

I did a survey recently and one of the questions was, "If you could say just one thing for the rest of you life, what would it be?"

I was throughly enjoying my survey up until this question. I read it and stopped. I read the answer that the previous person had written: "love the sinner, hate the sin". No offense to the person who wrote that, but I knew instantly that "love the sinner, hate the sin" wasn't something I wanted to say over and over again for the rest of my life. You might be thinking "well, why Amanda? why wouldn't you want to say that?" good question, reader. The answer to that, is "love the sinner, hate the sin," is an action. Not something I would want to say.

So I just sat there. What WOULD I say, if only one thing, for the rest of my life? How would that one word, or one phrase affect everyone I came into contact with? How would that one word affect ME if it was the only thing I could say.

My first thought was "Jesus" but that might scare people away.
"Hi!"
"JESUS!"
"What?"
"JESUS!!!"
doesn't really work out that well. I love Jesus, don't get me wrong. And I want everyone to know and experience Him. But that, would just be a bit intimidating.

I sat some more, perplexed by this question of which I'm sure is no one else is contemplating and analyzing as much as I am.

At that moment a light of inspritation came over me. Not one of those lightbulb things. Oh no, this was big. It was more like...a lightning bolt.

1 John 4:7-12

"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us."

And so I had decided. My words, if only one thing, would be, "I love you." I am fully aware, and should remind you as well, that love is not just words. But if I had only one thing to say, for the rest of my life, "I love you" would start the action that would follow. My life then, and how I lived it, would be defined by those three words. If my actions didn't meet up with "I love you", everyone would know it. Maybe that's how we should live.

"Hi."
"I love you."
"What?..."
"I love you."
"What do you mean?"
*action*

I love you.

Jesus was dead

2007-04-08T17:51:00.001-07:00

He has risen! Death could not hold its grip on our Savior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John 20:1-8

1Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 2So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!" 3So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. 5He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. 8Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I spent friday and saterday in mourning for Christ's death. But today, I celebrate. Do you understand the significance? Our Savior didn't remain dead. My redeemer lives! There were and are people who claim to be the Messiah, but they all fail. There was only one who died on the cross and rose 3 days later. Hallelujah! Praise to God!

My boyfriend Wes wrote something beautiful that I want to share and end with:

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is the first day of the new week (see John 20:1), the dawn of new creation. Yesterday we were slaves and today we are free for Christ the Lord has risen and defeated the curse of slavery and death. The stone has been rolled away to open up the doors of heaven. The tomb of death has been opened up to a garden of springtime life. No more are we dead in the tomb. We are now alive.

As it goes throughout the Story of God, just the moment you were ready to close the book something miraculous happens. Jesus was supposed to redeem His people and He ends up on a cross. What could God possibly do to get out of this one? Just the time you're ready to close the book and stop reading, something strange happens… Jesus isn't in the tomb. Jesus shows up standing alive and He says to you "Peace be with you" and breathes New Life into you. The victory of God rises out of the death of Jesus in a glorious resurrection.

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?" (Luke 24:5).

Breath deep the breath of New Life for we were dead and now we are alive.

Where there was death, now there is life. Where there was darkness, now there is light. The Tomb is now opened to a magnificent garden; a paradise of peace, for Jesus, the suffering messiah, suffers no more. The sting of death has done its worst but Jesus stands alive in victory's light. "peace be with you!" he calls, for the curse has seen its' last day. Rise and celebrate. It is the first day of the week.

Jesus is dead

2007-04-06T21:15:00.001-07:00

(Tonight is Good Friday. This is something hard for me to write. It is hard for me to read each of the gospels and stop at the burial of Jesus. But that is what this post reflects. I wish I could see someone read the story of the Bible for the first time. Someone who doesn’t know what Easter is…and have them read this part. It’s something to reflect on…it is not my belief. I know the story, but I choose tonight and tomorrow to experience the story day by day.)

There is a sadness that hangs in the air. Grief floods my heart.

He was what the Jews had been waiting for. But tonight….tonight he died. He wasn’t the savior. But oh, the things he did! The miracles he performed…I was sure he was the one this time. There have been so many who have claimed to be the Savior…this happens all the time. And I guess it happened again. I was so sure he was the savior. There was something so different about him. But we saw him die. And now we grieve for the man who did so much good. He didn’t deserve to die. He did nothing. I am so confused…I thought he was the one.

God, may we be reminded of Your sacrifice. May we remember the covenant. The body that was broken, and the blood that was spilled, so that we could be in communion...in community, in covenant with You. Thank you.

John 19:18-42

Jesus is crucified

18So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. 17Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). 18Here they crucified him, and with him two others—one on each side and Jesus in the middle.

19Pilate had a notice prepared and fastened to the cross. It read: JESUS OF NAZARETH, THE KING OF THE JEWS. 20Many of the Jews read this sign, for the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city, and the sign was written in Aramaic, Latin and Greek. 21The chief priests of the Jews protested to Pilate, "Do not write 'The King of the Jews,' but that this man claimed to be king of the Jews."

22Pilate answered, "What I have written, I have written."

23When the soldiers crucified Jesus, they took his clothes, dividing them into four shares, one for each of them, with the undergarment remaining. This garment was seamless, woven in one piece from top to bottom.

24"Let's not tear it," they said to one another. "Let's decide by lot who will get it."
This happened that the scripture might be fulfilled which said,
"They divided my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing."^[a] So this is what the soldiers did.

25Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. 26When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," 27and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

The Death of Jesus

28Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." 29A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. 30When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

31Now it was the day of Preparation, and the next day was to be a special Sabbath. Because the Jews did not want the bodies left on the crosses during the Sabbath, they asked Pilate to have the legs broken and the bodies taken down. 32The soldiers therefore came and broke the legs of the first man who had been crucified with Jesus, and then those of the other. 33But when they came to Jesus and found that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. 34Instead, one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water. 35The man who saw it has given testimony, and his testimony is true. He knows that he tells the truth, and he testifies so that you also may believe. 36These things happened so that the scripture would be fulfilled: "Not one of his bones will be broken,"^[b] 37and, as another scripture says, "They will look on the one they have pierced."^[c]

The Burial of Jesus

38Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate's permission, he came and took the body away. 39He was accompanied by Nicodemus, the man who earlier had visited Jesus at night. Nicodemus brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds.^[d] 40Taking Jesus' body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs. 41At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid. 42Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.

Praise be to God בּרך אדני (bârak adoni)

2007-02-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

O Lord, You are awesome and wonderful.
You are a God of comfort,
a God of compassion
and a God of grace.

I called out to You in my weakest moment,
and You heard my cry.
You held my hand through all my troubles.
When I was already down,
my enemies came to strike me again,
but Your mighty hand defeated those who came to attack me.

You spoke Your words into my heart and my life
and gave me the strength to carry on.
You took me to a place above those who persecute me,
and You trained me so that we could fight them together.
You have brought strength
and joy and laughter back into my life.
You are my Savior and my Rock.

Every time my mouth opens to speak,
I cannot help but praise Your name.
May every word that escapes my lips be glorifying to You.
May every thing I do and say
be an expression of love to Your people.
You have helped me in my time of need,
and so in return, I will help others.

The greatest honor I could ever think of,
is to show the love of Christ to those around me.
Lord, may my ears, my eyes, and my heart,
be opened to the needs of Your people.

God of restoration

2007-01-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You

This too shall pass

2006-11-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

[this is something I wrote last year, but I wanted to share it again]

The sky is dark and filled with lashed hopes and dreams. Every beautiful and wonderful thought has turned to the blackest nightmares. It seems as if I've been blindsided by a two by four. As if there's a target on my back. I am broken. Never have I felt so hopeless so abandoned. I am on my knees. I can't do this alone. I can't. For once I thought I might be rid of rough ocean waves and finally see the calm open waters; but this was not so. My hopes were shattered as I was taken under. This was one thing I did not expect. Yet I still have hope. The hand of God pulls us out and we are not consumed. His love is beyond all that I can grasp, and his plan is higher than my vision. For every night there is a morning. For every tear, there is laughter. As I run to my Father and hug Him tight, He quietly whispers to me, "My child, hold on. This too shall pass."

Lamentations 3:22 "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail."

New Chapters

2006-11-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

Hmm...

Another chapter has been written in the book of my life...and another begins. Join me?